A Reason for Hope
by Becca Stareyes
Summary: Amelia asks Zelgadis why he asked her father to reinstate him as her bodyguard. AZ, EvoR spoilers.


Amelia had been mildly surprised when Mister Zelgadis had returned to Saillune City without anyone prompting him. She was astonished when, on telling him that she was off to a visit of state to the Elemekia Empire, he told her he would ask her father to reactivate his appointment as her bodyguard.

"You know, Mister Zelgadis," she told him over breakfast, "I can travel by myself."

He sipped his tea. "I know. Though you don't travel by yourself when you're being Princess Amelia and not tagging along after Lina with the rest of us. And when you're traveling with Lina and the rest of us, you're not traveling by yourself either, by definition."

Which was true. Even when she had helped Inspector Wizer Flayon find Miss Lina Inverse - she swore she didn't know about his arrest warrant at the time, honest - her father had asked her to contact Mister Zelgadis so she would have someone with her in case of problems. And her father had taken Uncle Randy with him when he traveled undercover, before Uncle Randy decided to try to kill Daddy for the throne.

"I'm just surprised," she said. "You always seemed kind of busy to me." Rarely too busy to be dragged along after Miss Lina, but Amelia knew that Mister Zelgadis did things between their adventures, if only because of the times she met him while he was working.

"Well, I do a lot of mercenary work. And Prince Phil pays well, and I know my employers are trustworthy if it's Saillune's Royal Family and I actually enjoy working with you. So, it's not a bad job prospect."

"Oh." It sounded so logical, so devoid of their friendship when he put it like that, even though he explicitly mentioned that he liked her. But that was just how Mister Zelgadis was - slow to let on exactly what he was feeling, or that he even had feelings until they demolished all his walls and left him screaming, usually in anger or loss. He was the opposite to Amelia, who wore her heart on her sleeve, letting every passing happy thought make her smile. "If you like, Daddy could make it a more permanent position, if you're looking for one. If you don't mind being based in one place. I know that you travel a lot because-" She cut herself off before she could say 'because you're looking for your cure'. Given how Mister Zelgadis had... well, had _broke down_ when Rezo the Red Priest had told him that changing him back to a human was impossible, Amelia didn't know if it was still a raw spot in her friend's mind that she should avoid touching on.

Mister Zelgadis did look thoughtful, and a bit sad at the sudden halt in Amelia's sentence - there was no way he didn't know the words she had stopped herself from speaking aloud. He drained his teacup before answering, reaching to pour more tea from the pot. "After Taforashia, I went traveling again, up the coast. Working where I could find something interesting to do."

Amelia nodded, not sure what his point was. "How was it?"

Mister Zelgadis reached for a scone, and butter, and Amelia watched his hands refusing to sit still, as if he needed the distraction as he thought over what he was trying to tell her. "Easy to fall in old habits. I know... I'm not stupid. As much as I might resent Rezo, I know he knew his magic. If someone knew how to turn a chimera back into a human, Rezo would have known about it. And if someone had discovered how after Rezo had died, _I_ would have heard of it. So, I'm not going to find what I want by traveling."

"Then why did you go looking? After Taforashia?" Amelia asked.

"To see what traveling was like when I wasn't looking for anything in particular," Mister Zelgadis answered. "Lina and Gourry do it all the time, unless you count 'treasure and dinner' as a long-term goal. But I learned that I don't really know how to do that without getting distracted by leads." He sighed, setting his teacup down hard, and Amelia winced, hoping that he hadn't cracked the china. "Not leads. Things that look like leads, but aren't." He grimaced, and Amelia wondered if, while Mister Zelgadis might have rationalized what Rezo the Red Priest, had told him, his heart still hadn't given up hope.

Amelia frowned. "How hard can it be?" But, she thought of how long she'd known Mister Zelgadis, and the waxing and waning of hope and despair through his mask when he found pieces of magical lore that might have helped him. Hope had a way of persisting against despair, even without the proof to support it.

"Have you ever tried to break a habit?" Mister Zelgadis asked. "Like that. So a permanent job might be just the distraction I need."

"Wouldn't that be just replacing one habit with another?" Amelia asked. "I mean isn't that 'traveling for a reason'?" She was... well, _flattered_, since she knew the emotional depth Mister Zelgadis had for being human, and to even think that helping her out would come close to easing his disappointment meant a lot to her. But, would it work? Would it help him come to terms or just wallpaper over a hole that was still there. "Maybe... maybe it's not that there _is_ a reason that matters. I mean, Miss Lina travels because she likes it, and that's a reason. Mister Gourry likes to be with Miss Lina, and that's also a reason. I like meeting new people and bringing justice to people who need it, and that's two reasons."

It was Mister Zelgadis's turn to look confused, which turned to a look of annoyance. "I just want... I'm sick of being disappointed, and falling into chasing down leads when even I don't think they'll pan out anymore... _that_ is a recipe for disappointment.

Or despair, Amelia thought.

"But, Mister Zelgadis continued, "somehow it just. Keeps. Happening. I don't know how to stop looking. Which is why I need something else."

"So you're taking a page out of Mister Gourry's book?" Which... well, considering how _devoted_ Mister Gourry was to Miss Lina, it made Amelia wonder if that was the right thing to say. It was perhaps something to say in jest, a bit flirty. Not seriously, over tea that was growing cold as they talked.

"No. Yes. Maybe, but not like that. I don't know." Mister Zelgadis was clearly flustered by the question and Amelia could see hints of red across his blue cheeks. "Dammit, Amelia, how the hell am I supposed to answer that?"

Amelia laughed, nervously. "Well, you covered all the options, I think." This time, she was going to open her mouth until she was sure she wasn't going to put her foot in it again.

"I just want something to keep me busy for now," Mister Zelgadis said. "Until I know that I'm not just acting out of habit. It may be that I discover I like chasing down bits of magical lore for its own sake."

"Well, I'm sure I can keep you busy."

Mister Zelgadis buried his head in his hands. This time, Amelia caught him smiling, and she repeated herself in her head before figuring out what was so funny, and she could feel her face heating up. "You need to stop doing that," he told her, "or I'm seriously going to lose my cool in Elemekia." 


End file.
